Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
screw you
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”