Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.