@SuperApple80

Him: Why do you like to feed ducks so much?
Me: (flashback to my dream when I only got into Heaven because God was a duck) It calms me.

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@BigFatNothing

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

@OutAndAbouter

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

@mdob11

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

@huntigula

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@TheBenHoyle

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

@illuminatedwndr

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

@Nachos0verHoes

How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times

@Kali_Mura

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.