Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.