Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”