Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.