Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
the #horror is real!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.