Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
are there any atheist mantises?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*