Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.