Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.