Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

I would describe my personal style as whatever is on top of the pile of clothes on the floor

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

A woman drives into a bar.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.