Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.