Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
#SCOTUS one-star review
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go