Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.