Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

😂

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip