him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?