Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.