Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

also my go-to takeaway order

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats