him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.