Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Oh my god

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Oceanography is all about current events

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?

Me ~ Kerosene…

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy