him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I have many caverns
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Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*