him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.