him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
and now we wait
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!