him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

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The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.


Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating


Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.


Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name


My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.


My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.


Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)


I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.