@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

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@MisfitMuse

The heart is a barefoot child that keeps running in and out of traffic.

@Steven37366100

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

@Dawn_M_

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

@RandomlyMJ

My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.

@Bob_Janke

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

@DanKCharnley

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.