him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
The only equipped I am is ill.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Worth the read.