Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”