Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

HELP 😭

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.