Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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three things we don’t talk about
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I’m not lazy
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
#oldknees
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”