Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Not messing around

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

that’s really how it is

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.