Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I wanna be friends with this person
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.