Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“What?”
– Jude
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
oh shit
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?