Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Damn he played himself
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Sex so good you see dead people.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one