Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband