Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.