him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Sniffing the broccoli
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.