[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
You Might Also Like
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣