Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.