I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Him: “Wow you’ve got alot of hair” Me: “Thanks grew it myself”
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising