@cynfulgreeneyes

Him: “Wow you’ve got alot of hair” Me: “Thanks grew it myself”

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@curlycomedy

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

@LizHackett

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

@HomeWithPeanut

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

@E_lok44

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@Donna_McCoy

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising