@cynfulgreeneyes

Him: “Wow you’ve got alot of hair” Me: “Thanks grew it myself”

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@Grommit56

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

@Marlebean

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.

@Cheetoe4

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

@domesticH

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

@clichedout

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

@RichardDawkins

I can’t think of many people who deserve to go to hell, but people who teach its existence to vulnerable children are prime candidates.

@prodigalsam

“I wish I had more time to read” he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.