Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they finally got him. they got macavity

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.