Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

Those are good neighbors.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.