Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.