Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
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SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me trying to reach for my goals
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.