Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.