Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

guys I’m going home

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

No flush

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

Sir!!

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.