Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

waiting for halloween be like:

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

This guy gets it.

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.