Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

HELP 😭

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

That’s no pocket rocket.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway