Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.