Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me driving through Toronto
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”