@Aikiwomannc

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

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@ClichedOut

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

@ericsshadow

My wife Googled “how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.

@sixfootcandy

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

@lecalabara

Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.

@jadeamberf

at cane’s

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so