Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
My wife Googled “how responsible does a 10yr old need to be to stay at home without a babysitter” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Why do people ask “What were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain.
cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so