Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
tourist season
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight