Just grow your own
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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Pretty much. 🤣
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”