My favorite college memory was accidentally skipping class on the first Monday of deer season freshman year because I legitimately thought that was a national holiday that meant no school and didn’t realize I just went to a yeehaw high school
Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage
Me: for the last 7 years
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
NO BUT REALLY
For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I’m terrified to Web MD this. I’m too young to have kittens.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.