Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Hey i am sexy to you now
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.