Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

Morning all.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

new shirt idea

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.