Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.