Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.