Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms