Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

“So how was your day today at work?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦‍♂️😳🤯😂

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Baking is just science you can eat.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?