Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Maths meets science
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.