Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses