Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Saturday
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.