Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War