Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Alexa, make me look good naked.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

God: you’re a capybara.

Capybara: yay!

God: you’re the largest rodent.

Capybara: double yay!

God: also you live in South America.

Capybara: so cool!

God: wow you’re in a great mood!

Capybara: just living my personal motto!

God: which is?

Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

That’s incredible! 👌

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.