Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.