Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”