My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Wednesday
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I’m aging like a fine banana
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground