Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog