Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
technically true but not a great slogan
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you