Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My summer body has been pending for about ten years

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.