Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My last name is Zilla.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.