@GingerHotDish

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

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@jake_lach

Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do

He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@WilliamAder

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

@MsSugar_Kisses

If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place

@PaulyPeligroso

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

@KeetPotato

cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”

@liv_thatsme

“A rug, but PERMANENT! It’ll capture all your beloved dirt & filth for years to come! Each stain tells a special tale!”

-inventor of carpet

@ibid78

You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.