Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”