Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When your parents check you’re ok.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Cucumbers Anonymous
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.