Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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That eye roll….
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Word!
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
i was baptized in a car wash
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.