Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
accurate
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Knock Knock
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Ion see the issue
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.