Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

“A little help here, Danny?”

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me