Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?