Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?