Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
How all things should be taught/explained.
this makes me so uncomfortable
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.