Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.